It's that time of year that sparks panic in every medical mama... Cold and flu season. Every single one of us holds our breath weighing each and every outing or if having company is safe or not. This past week alone our heart community lost 5 children. FIVE! It's hard to even wrap your head around that and most don't want to think about it. I am learning that being a mom with a child with medical needs is a journey of intense sorrow and pain. We walk a little quieter, we take in every moment and we cry a little more. We hunt for those that are walking this lonely dusty road and clutch hands and hang on. Most of the time those around us see our life just going on between appointments and Facebook updates but there are nights that we are scared to close our eyes. You often hear cardiac moms tell stories of their child stumping doctors or things are not going as the text book says, and because of that we questions everything, we count their breaths before we roll over, we wake up 4, 5, 6 ,7 times a night to make sure they are breathing. That relax moment never seems to come.
I am coming to terms that people don't know how to function in a relationship when things are always changing. People like neat and tidy. My heart breaks every time we walk through our church doors and I quickly package away the sorrow so that I don't make anyone uncomfortable. The truth is I am scared to be there, scared to worship, scared what it will look like if the pain came pouring out on a Sunday morning. Could they handle it? do they love us enough to pick up the broken pieces of a mothers heart?
I thank God that He is accepts my offering of cupped hands of salty tears, that He reaches his arms out and pulls me in close to whisper strength to keep going on this journey of motherhood.
Jesus knows the ache of a mother as he watched his own mother at his feet suffering in her grief for her son.
I have never felt so completely empty of myself, I am weak with flaws breathless with trembling and it is in those moments that His strength pushes me forward. Fills my cup a little more to pour into these lives he has given me. How could one not love a life filled with children? It's impossible not to. He places seasons in our life to slow down and find the beauty. I am thankful for what this little boy has brought to my life..... forgiveness because people really don't know. To be kind and a little more gentle with people's hearts. I read a quote this week from a mom that lost her baby at eight days old to trisomy 13 God told the mother that her son “has more purpose than just fulfilling your motherhood.”
It's here... right here in the pain that God works. I get glimpse's of His Glory and I keep going.. keep praying.
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